Feeling Like a ‘Child’ in Your Family as an Adult Woman? A Psychodynamic Look at a Common Struggle

Have you ever noticed that no matter how grown-up you are, you start feeling like a child again when you are with your family? Maybe they still speak to you as if you’re too young to make your own decisions. Or they expect you to behave in a certain way—to be polite, available, or obedient—while you silently swallow your discomfort. You might leave those interactions feeling small, irritated, or guilty. If this happens to you, you’re not alone. Many Indian women in their 20s, 30s, and beyond feel like they’re emotionally stuck in their childhood role, especially when they return home or talk to family. From a psychodynamic lens, there’s a deeper story behind this.

What Is Really Going On Beneath the Surface?

Psychodynamic therapy focuses on unconscious patterns that began in childhood and still shape how we feel and behave today. In many families—especially in traditional or collectivist cultures like India—girls are raised to put others first, avoid conflict, and follow unspoken family rules.Even as we grow up, these early emotional roles don’t simply disappear. So, when we go home or speak to our parents, our unconscious mind replays old scripts:

• “I shouldn’t upset them.”
• “They won’t understand me.”
• “If I say no, I’m being selfish.”
• “I must be the good daughter.”

As a result, you may find yourself:

• Saying “yes” even when you want to say “no”
• Avoiding sharing your true opinions
• Feeling guilty for setting boundaries
• Disconnecting from your adult self when you are with family

This is a classic example of “regression”—a defense mechanism where your mind brings you back to a younger emotional state when you are triggered by familiar situations.

Why Does This Happen More with Family?

Because that’s where it all began. Family is where we first learned about love, approval, shame, and punishment. So, even if you’re independent now—emotionally or financially—your mind may still associate family with early experiences of needing to earn love or safety. For women in particular, this pressure can be intense:

• Maintaining cultural traditions at home
• Speaking your native language with family
• Celebrating cultural holidays
• Sharing your culture with others

The Role of Family and Community

Family and community can play a crucial role in helping individuals maintain their cultural identity while adapting to a new environment:

• You are expected to be giving, even if it exhausts you
• Your personal choices may be viewed as selfish or disrespectful
• There is a constant reminder to “not forget your values” or “remember your roots

So even when you are physically grown, your emotional self may not feel fully “allowed” to grow in their presence.

Psychodynamic Insight: The Inner Conflict

Your inner child may still be craving validation from your parents. At the same time, your adult self is trying to assert autonomy, make your own choices, and feel free. This creates an unconscious tug-of-war, which can lead to:

• Emotional numbness or confusion after visiting family
• Suppressed resentment
• Feeling emotionally small, even though you know you are capable
• Guilt for wanting space or saying “no”

The root of this isn’t immaturity—it’s emotional loyalty mixed with unresolved dynamics from childhood.

What Can Help?

• Bring the Unconscious to Light : Start by noticing these patterns. Ask yourself: “When I speak to my parents, do I feel like an adult or like a scared little girl?” Awareness breaks the cycle
• Understand That Guilt Isn’t Always a Sign You Did Something Wrong : From a psychodynamic lens, guilt can sometimes reflect the fear of breaking old loyalties, not real harm.
• Explore This in Therapy : Therapy can help you understand
  • Why you feel what you feel
  • What your childhood emotional roles were
  • How to gently rewrite those patterns in the present
• Give Yourself Permission to Be an Adult : You don’t need to earn your worth. You can be loving and say no. You can care and choose differently.

Final Thought

If you feel like you turn into a child around your family, it doesn’t mean you’re weak.It means you have deep emotional ties—and some of those may need healing, not hiding. Psychodynamic therapy doesn’t offer quick fixes. But it helps you understand yourself more deeply, reconnect with your adult voice, and step out of old emotional roles that no longer serve you.

Want to Talk?

If this blog resonates with you, therapy can help you explore your family dynamics in a safe and respectful space.You deserve to live as the adult you are—free, confident, and whole.